What Adam Grant Just Said About People Pleasers Is Harsh. It's Also True

Adam Grant recently took to LinkedIn with a blunt assessment: "The root of chronic people pleasing is not concern for others. It's concern for their approval. The fear of being disliked fuels self-sacrifice." This stark observation cuts to the core of a common but often misunderstood behavior. Grant's words are a wake-up call, challenging us to reevaluate our motivations and behaviors, especially in the workplace. 

In my own area of social psychology, people pleasing is closely linked to the concept of self-monitoring. Self-monitoring, as defined by Mark Snyder in the 1970s, is the degree to which individuals regulate their behavior to meet the demands of social situations. High self-monitors are chameleons, adept at reading social cues and adjusting their behavior accordingly to gain social approval.

Self-monitoring is functional and adaptive; it enables individuals to navigate social interactions smoothly, build rapport, and achieve social harmony. However, like many adaptive traits, when self-monitoring runs amok, it can damage our psychological well-being, leading to anxiety, depression, and loneliness. 

Research has shown that high self-monitors are more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviors. They are constantly attuned to how they are perceived by others, leading to a relentless pursuit of acceptance and approval. This can result in chronic self-sacrifice, as individuals prioritize others' needs and expectations over their own.

From an evolutionary standpoint, people-pleasing behavior can be traced back to our ancestral roots. Early humans lived in small, tightly knit communities where social cohesion was crucial for survival. Pleasing the key members of one's inner tribe would have been essential for gaining protection, resources, and support. 

In today's world, trying to gain the approval of everyone we encounter is not only unrealistic but also counterproductive. Our evolutionary wiring still pushes us to seek social approval, but the scope has expanded far beyond what is manageable or necessary for our well-being.

Understanding the roots of people-pleasing behavior has significant implications for teamwork, organizational development, and leadership. For teams, an environment where individuals feel compelled to please everyone can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of authenticity. Team members may withhold their true opinions or overcommit to tasks, leading to decreased productivity and innovation.

Leaders, in particular, need to be aware of the dangers of fostering a people-pleasing culture. Leaders who prioritize approval over authenticity can create a toxic work environment where honest feedback is stifled and critical issues are ignored. Encouraging a culture where individuals feel psychologically safe to express their true thoughts and concerns can lead to more effective problem-solving and a healthier organizational climate.

Adam Grant's blunt assessment of people-pleasing behavior serves as a crucial reminder: Seeking approval from everyone is neither sustainable nor beneficial. By understanding the psychological and evolutionary underpinnings of this behavior, we can better navigate our social interactions and foster healthier, more authentic relationships in the workplace. Leaders and team members alike should strive to create environments where individuals feel valued for their true selves, rather than their ability to please others.