I Spent Over 2,000 Hours Studying the Psychology of Emotional Intelligence. Here Are 5 Simple Frameworks That Will Change Your Life

To help me manage these emotions, and to help others do the same, I spent thousands of hours studying the psychology of emotional intelligence. I pored through the research. I spoke personally with renowned psychologists, medical doctors, even a neuroscientist. I analyzed successful business leaders, high-performing teams, and the world’s best athletes.

Throughout this process, I learned the science of how the brain makes decisions. I learned that, while the brain is extremely complex and hard to categorize, scientists believe that we primarily use the frontal lobe (the largest part of your brain) when engaging in high-level thinking, like reasoning and problem-solving.

On the other hand, when we feel attacked or under pressure, we engage another part of the brain known as the amygdala. The amygdala hijacks the brain, taking over with an emotional response known as fight-flight-or-freeze (or “fawn,” say some experts). These emotional hijacks cause you to say or do things you later regret.

Using what I learned, I built a toolkit of frameworks to help me keep cool under pressure and make better decisions. These frameworks help you escape the hijack, and reengage other parts of your brain. Here are five frameworks that changed my life—hopefully, they’ll help change yours, too. (If you enjoy this article, consider signing up for my free emotional intelligence course.)

The problem was developed by Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner and refers to a quote by Russian writer Fyodor Dostoevsky—”Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear. You will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.”

Over time, psychologists identified one of the most effective solutions to the White Bear Problem was to replace unwanted thoughts with desired thoughts. I call these desired thoughts “Blue Dolphins.”

For example, if you’re getting nervous before a big presentation, you can replace disquieting thoughts (White Bears) with a more encouraging one (a Blue Dolphin): “I’m so excited. This is going to go great.”

This is important because it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and say yes to, well, everything. But reminding yourself of the Tom Hanks Rule can give you the fortitude to say no to the things that don’t align with your goals and principles—so you have more time for the things that do.

Remember, as humans, we’re emotional creatures. That’s a good thing. But if we allow those emotions to get out of balance, they can ruin the quality of our life and lead us to make poor decisions. In contrast, by using frameworks like these, you can learn to make emotions work for you, instead of against you.